Last week, our routine was severely disrupted. My husband was on his way into the church to help dismantle the Christmas decorations, when he got the dreaded call. His father had a sudden heart attack and passed away. Our plans for the week changed drastically. In the middle of medical issues for me with a complicated pregnancy, and my seven-year-old son who had just been diagnosed with lyme disease, we had to be ready for a 7-person road trip to Michigan, with very specific clothing needs, in a day.
Of course, one side-effect of being a parent is that when something like this happens, you have little time to grieve. The needs of your children continue and we are about to severely disrupt their routine. Hours in the car, close quarters in hotels, eating dinner at 9PM, were unavoidable, as the children’s needs took second fiddle to the hours of the wake and funeral. Naturally, the child least able to cope was our youngest at three-years-old.
This is an extreme example. Unfortunately, we’ve all been there. Sometimes our life gets turned up-side-down and there is nothing to be done. We brought familiar blankets, let her sleep in even if we had to wait an extra hour to get on the road, and allowed her in our bed. But, this didn’t stop her from announcing at the hotel that Daddy would take her back to her own bed and pick her up in the morning. Routine defines security for all of us, but is essential for young children. Each child is different and has differing needs in this respect, but until a child’s long-term memory is more deeply established, it is can be especially disconcerting to change the routine.
Think about when Mom goes to the hospital to have a baby, or Mom and Dad take a weekend away while children stay with a family member. An older child may feel grumpy or lonely after a few days. An infant may go with the flow, expressing happy surprise or a punitive cold shoulder when Mom returns. But a toddler, in desperate need of reassurance that this is temporary, will likely repeat every hour, on the hour, “Mommy’s coming home in a few days.”
Our children learn to bend as they grow. They learn that life isn’t always predictable day-to-day and sometimes they deal with fears as they come to terms with this. It is important that routine doesn’t overstep its purpose in facilitating our life. Flexibility is as important on a day-to-day level as in weathering the storms of life. However, we all learn that in the end, what matters most is constant. God’s love and His promise of Heaven is constant even if, like little children, we need to remind ourselves often.
God bless your families,
Kate
P.S. – The dance between flexibility and routine must be mastered by parents, teachers, anyone working with children. In terms of brain-centered learning, routine establishes the safety and predictability that creates an environment conducive to learning. Flexibility is essential to the success of learning because the brain is complex, grows in fits and starts, and each brain is unique with specific needs. These principles apply to emotional and spiritual development as well.
